"Life is one long process of getting tired."-SAMUEL BUTLER, Note Books
*ain't that the truth?*
I'm stressed and instead of fixing it, I'm postponing the solution. I'm lonely yet I would rather isolate myself within the confines of my own room rather than mingle in the midst of my family. I'm poor and I can't find a job. I'm tired of saving every dollar I make because my funds are depleted. I feel insignificant because I compare myself to others. I'm overwhelmed with my life. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of constantly being buried under my stress. I'm tired of being lonely- spending most of my days without much contact and conversation with other humans. I'm tired of feeling neglected. Insignificant. Average.
I'm tired. And I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend like I'm "fine" with life.
Today was my last day of college classes. Which means next week I have finals and then I'm pretty much done until next semester. Needless to say, this past week has been hard. And you would think that it would be getting easier. Maybe a little. But I still have a lot that I need to do. Study for finals. Apply for scholarships and fill out college applications. Clean my room. Do laundry. Get Christmas presents for Brooke and Tyler. You get the point.
I'm alone. I used to be fairly social. I mean, I had friends to hang out with on the weekends. Now I'm lucky if I get a text. Just one. And only one. Because whenever I reply, that seems to be the end of the conversation. Until next year of course when I get another single text. It's always from the same "friend". I guess I should have some consolation in the fact that she puts forth some effort. Even if it is somewhat pathetic. Sure, I could have put forth more effort to keep some of my old friends, but not this particular one. I went to her house (unannounced) on multiple occasions with cookies or rice krispie treats. She was always excited to see me. And our conversations would always end with "let's do something soon". It never happens. I'm done. What's the point in having friends if they are going to require me to put forth all of the effort? The way I see it, if they REALLY wanted to be friends with me still, they would put forth at least a little effort. Just a little. People are always telling me, "It's your own fault that you don't have friends. If you want friends, then you have to put forth the effort." I'm SO SICK of that. Or of course there is the "Oh stop. You have friends." And then they proceed to name people that I hardly ever see let alone hang out with. And of course if I bring that up, they just disregard what I'm trying to say because they know better and I'm just wrong. Sigh. Anyway. You think I'd be over it by now. I've been friendless for over a year. But it still hurts.
I also am in desperate need of a job. I really want to go to the Dominican Republic this summer on a humanitarian trip with my medical explorers group. But it's $1800, and for a girl with no job, that's quite a bit of money to come up with. So, I've been job searching for months with no luck. I can't expect to get any financial help from my parent's because Celly is getting married in April and they can't even pay for that really. So it's essentially solely up to me this time. And I don't think I can do it. Especially if I can't find a job within the next few months. Sure. There's babysitting. But the monthly payments are 400$/month. I can't make that much just from babysitting alone. It'll take a miracle to get me to the Dominican Republic.
To top it all off, my self-esteem has been taking a real beating lately. I saw a quote somewhere that said, "Don't let comparison steal your joy", but that's really hard to do when you have a hard time thinking anything positive about yourself. I just feel so... pointless. I don't feel like there's much purpose in my current life. Nothing I do matters to anyone. There isn't anything about me that is "Danielle". I have no real talents or hobbies-at least none that anybody cares about. There isn't one thing I do that I feel like I get support from other people. I don't want to be the center of attention. But I don't want to be off in the corner collecting dust either. Elese has cross country and track. And she's fast, so every one thinks she's so cool and awesome. She gets everyone's support. Celeste... she's getting married so she's automatically everyone's top priority. Brooke has roller derby. That's her "thing". Amber has Kris. He takes up her time whenever she's not working so I don't really know what's going on with her. Faith is an aspiring everything. And she's young so of course she's going to get support. And that's great. I was the same way when I was her age. I wanted to be everything. So I'm happy for her. Right now she's taking hip hop but it's ending soon because it's too expensive. But I think next year my parents will probably pay for her to do basketball. And then there's Gracie. If you knew her you would understand. But she DEMANDS attention. She's just that way. Anyway. So I hope that Illustrated the point of what I was trying to get across. I just wish there was something that I did that people appreciated and recognized me for. That's all. Call me selfish or attention hungry. I don't care.
So what am I here for? I'm the person people come to when they need favors. Love that. (NOT).
I just want to feel important. Special. Loved.
Not lonely, sad and meaningless.
I'm not saying that's how it is. But it is how I've been feeling.
Story of my life right about now. I have a pretty lengthy to-do list. Write a sociology book review. Study for an english mid-term. Write a 10-12 page history paper. Make a PowerPoint presentation for History. Read the geology chapter. Read the sociology article. Geology enrichment activities. All 3 of them. Oh. And apparently I'm supposed to fit sleeping and eating somewhere in there. So you see, I certainly don't have time to waste time. But I do it anyway? Why? See, that's the part that I'm confused about. I have all of this stuff to do, but I just don't do it. Instead I'm "pinning" things. Or reading books for fun. Or .... Hm. Blogging?! What? My motivation is just shot. I don't know if that's because of the classes I'm taking, or just because I've been in the public school system for twelve years and I'm just tired of it. Either way. My homework isn't getting done and my grades are struggling. Oh life. Why must you be so busy?